Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
