it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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