so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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