some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
