a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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