atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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