you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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