Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
