I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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