by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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