I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
