Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
did i walk over a car last night?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
