I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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