So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize