i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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