What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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