That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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