Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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