Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
