i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
