Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Randomize
