I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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