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At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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