My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
