I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
