The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
