A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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