Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
