but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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