I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
