When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
