I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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