non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
