Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
