Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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