Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize