Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
