Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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