two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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