My friends, they love my intelligence
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
