I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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