When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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