cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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