Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
