what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
