I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
