i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
