Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
