the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
