She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
