remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
