Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
