Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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