Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
