my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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