Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm passing your future prison.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
