I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize