You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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