im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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