I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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