this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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