Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
