I just made out with a guy for $7.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
