Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
