Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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