Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
